We are but Fractals (1)

was just sitting here, thinking of things i think a lot.

a while back, i had posited "Define your god." Although i had conversed with many about their "g/God(s)," there were no takers to print, which was cool because it gave me more time to refine mine ...and create this run-on sentence.

it would be completely unwarranted for me to claim, really, any sure amount of intelligence, yet i am about to spew. What proceeds is by no means attributed to fact, or at least not currently, and i make no claim to be absolutely certain, or even certain enough that what i type next is presented factually. i make no attempt to dissuade or persuade save what's sensible. if i make any sense at all. i would welcome any critique of the presentation of this essay ...constructively, of course.
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as many know, i'm an agnostic/atheist when it comes to the g/God(s) question, and as many have found, i enjoy being asked. Probably because of the dichotomy i see in my story. *hopefully i'm using that word right* The story, especially in its whole is quite tangential ...tangentuous, if you will.

NOTE: there is purpose in my grammar and punctuation, but that's a whole 'nother story.

when the question comes and the opportunity for discussion is presented, i love answering 'what made you [me] a non-believer?' ..."an answer to prayer." I attribute my disbelief in any of the g/God(s) to an answer to prayer. kinda odd, i know.

before my second year in the air force, i got this roommate. i had been quite comfortable after a good while without a roommate, and really wasn't keen on it ...but i didn't have a say anyway. *please picture a smile on my face as i tell this bit of background to the prayer* Well, during that time solo i was balancing new money (not well, i may add), a pretty cool job and training, a certain amount of freedom, and a seedling of faith in Jesus Christ (please note the capitalization).

given the inevitability of the occupation, i made sort-of a plea, with God (again, capitalization). "I want to know if You are real. Please, Lord, give me a roommate that can help me understand You ...and not a dick about it." When it came time to meet the guy, as i strolled into his room, there lying at the foot of his bed ... i smiled. new guy is fresh outta tech school ...and he's a christian ...with a Student Bible. lo, that wasn't the answered prayer in reference, but it was convincing enough then to what became my rebirth. not right then, it took a bit. my new roommate and i hit it off pretty well. to this day, and for many more i can safely assume, i consider him one of my best friends, and respect him greatly for being the man that he is. He's a Christian, along with his family ...and a respectable, honest man. it wasn't long before our circle of friends was pretty much the same, and attending the same bible studies and 'pizza parties.' we were both hungry for the Word and the Will of God. of course we had our slips, and i'm blessed beyond measure that some of my slips didn't cost me certain life-long friendships, or even my career.

Jump forward; Join a local church (non-denom, semi-charismatic), a good church with good people, and get baptized. i also came to believe in the Holy Spirit and believed i was baptized in such. my "church" experience was actually quite good. i grew a lot ...and fucked up a lot. after about a year of (at least in my opinion) accelerating growth in my faith, and involvement with youth and prison ministries, my constant prayer was to be able to "have an answer for my faith" through the truth. i would all but beg just to understand truth. and then, it happened ...a renewed vigor for bringing the Word of God deeper into my soul, as i saw things line up that tested well with the Word. but it was also then that the Word started to seem inadequate ...and conflicting. that didn't sway my solid faith at the time, though. there were so many things, all that i had read before, studied before that were coming more real; feeling as if i could put myself in the shoes of each character that was being "revealed" to me. My favorite book became 'Esther' of all things. the zeal had me believe that those seemingly inadequate and conflicting things would soon be understood, and the Word of God refreshing its credit as inspired and infallible.

the growth continued with sputters of life here and there. this 'essay' isn't supposed to be a biography, so i'll save you the 'sputters.' Yet, despite the sputters, i felt a relative steady climb in my faith ...definitely more than a mustard seed.

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after a bunch of trials and tribulations, bandwagons and circles, actions and consequences, it wasn't life that was deteriorating my soul. when i would get on my knees ...when i opened the book, the answer for the faith was inadequate ...more and more, infallibility was becoming a worthless claim. inspired remained on the table for a long time, but infallibility fell. even one inconsistency throws the whole of the faith into quakes. My prayer still remained, "i want to know truth."

long story, shortened (a bit), i felt "lead" to back up and take in a wider view.   there was a time (in the really good growth days) i had felt lead to try to understand the other faiths, like i was being 'prepped' to meet and be available to witness to those of other faiths. understanding where they are coming from makes great strides in communication.  and, there were such encounters.  well, that 'leading' prepped me ...to begin seeing a MUCH bigger picture.  Something a lot closer to the truth i had been praying for.

for the sake of certains who may read this, i do understand and am willing to accept what consequences befall me doubting your g/God(s).  if eternal separation from [he/she/it/them] in perpetual torment is my destiny, then at that time i would have no choice but to accept it.  but i am willing to place my existence (and afterlife) on the table that no g/God(s) presented for belief is worthy of that faith.

but, i do have a pet theory ...

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i'm supposing, by now you're wondering, "is he ever getting to the point?" or that i'm just rambling, or this is getting a little too long, but there is reason for backstory.  i'm sorry.  i did warn the 'whole' story is "tangentuous."  i'm cuttin' out a lot (obligatory 'lol').  and i'm breaking the whole thing up.

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grew up kinda typical upper-central states, small towns surrounded by agriculture ...christian by claim.  we pretty much had a belief in the christian god, read the bible here and there (i actually enjoyed it and read it quite a bit), went to church, did the good neighbor thing, behaved (generally), etc. etc.  Had influence from a good general range of denominations.  we prayed, many times as a family, but we weren't "begging" for anything from God ...just bless the food, help so-and-so, sorry for being a dumbass.  but, we meant it.  we believed in Him and we're supposed to pray to talk to Him, and he gave us the Lord's Prayer.

i digress ...my mom, who grew up on a farm, loves the stars and she loves sharing that with us kids.  it was a common 'mom-and-kids' thing to go out in the country (which was really easy when we lived in Granville) and stare at the stars ...watching for shooting stars ...and, of course, u.f.o. stories.  My Mom planted a seed in me early on ..."keep watching."  she was a big, big fan of Carl Sagan, also.

it was my mom's inspiring awe for astronomy (other sciences included) that sparked my love for science, and it was that 'leading' for a panoramic view of the truth that now leaves me nearing forty.

^to be continued^

part two

part two of that little story of chics and a demon ...

Some moons later, Joey and some of his siblings were clucking in the yard looking for some seeds and bugs. Mama and Papa didn't follow much around these days. The chics were now old enough to manage for themselves. The days of the Demon have been long gone.

While out near the guardian's garden one day, the guardian was heard yelling and seen forcefully watering an agitator. Papa stopped in his tracks in a tree near the shed and looked in the guardian's direction. Immediate reaction from memory for Papa was to sound the alarm.

Before anychic new what was going on, the Demon returned. Furiously running and chasing the chics, the Demon blurred by everything. Joey was stirred.

With a stern strut, Joey clucked towards the rampaging demon. The demon didn't see it coming. Hearing a loud, vicious threat from behind, the demon spins around to see Joey ...face to face ...snout to beak. Joey spread his wings wide and high, and clucked one big cluck. The demon, with a puzzle in his eyes, took one step back and barked at Joey. Joey took one step forward, stepped up on his toes, and clucked one more time ...loudly!

The demon sat down.

Joey walked away, and the demon went home.

Moral of the stuff; Stand up!

Do something.

I cooked and ate sirloin while writing this

I was walking from my in-laws to our house today, and stopped and watched a cute site. A family of chickens ...hen, rooster, and eight bitties. I stood there watching them. How they've grown in the past lil bit. It wasn't that long ago, that ...oh that brings me to the story.

(wish i could do the drawings but it would scare the audience)...

Mama and a few of her chics were taking a lazy sunny stroll through the neighborhood when Marty started in on his little rantings over everything.

"How does all this stuff turn green, Mama?" quizzed Marty. Before Mama can reply, Marty chimes in with his own answer. "Theres this swirly looking little ant thing that poos green. Thats it! Brilliant!"

"LETS CHASE POO ANTS!" yelled Marty to his 7 siblings. The eight of them start running faster, and in circles; double, even triple checking everything to find the famed Poo Ants. The laughter even got the stern old trees to chuckle at the sight.

Joey and Marty were bestest chics since the day they hatched. They did everything together, even getting in trouble. Mama chic twitched her beak often at those two. But they always stayed near. Never outside a chirp around the corner.

This day was no different from the rest. Papa was watching the skies for hawks, and the ground for foxes and 'coons. Mama kept her legs trim by keeping all eight of the chics in sight. Yet today felt a little different to Papa. He felt a strange twitch in the air when he awoke from his roost at sunrise. When Mama woke all the chics for the day to begin, Papa warned, "Ya'll cluck near Mama today. Be on your best behavior. She's getting old, you know." All the chics laughed with abruption. Faster than a shudder, Mama let Papa see her underwing. "hu-oooooooooooh!" said all the chics in unison.

The high sun had just passed overhead, and Mama was spying some shade for her chics. Just then, from out of nowhere, came a bustling demon! Fast, furious, loud ...and MEEEEAN! Chasing round and round.

Mama was furiously calling out to her chics, "Run! Run! Hide! Come to me, I'll protect you!" Papa flurried into action, trying to scare the beast, however, to no avail. Chic after chic, tumbling, tossling, chirping, running ...hiding.

As fast as it began, it was over. The demon has found new attention. It seems to be running FROM something else. The chics are shivering in tiny holes in the neighborhood, or small, tight brush about. Mama starts calling to her chics to come out after Papa gives her the 'all clear.'

Shaking uncontrollably, all the chics start coming in to huddle under Mama's wings. Mama coos her chics while Papa strengthens his vigil perch. Before Papa could crow a warning ...!
"MARTY! MARTY! MAAAAARTYYYYYY!" screams Joey.

The demon has made one last round. Now Marty is gone.

Joey falls to his breast, legs giving way, and cries a cry like cries cry. Mama runs to Papa for comfort, and the remaining 6 chics follow suit. But Joey, well, Joey cries.

I'll post part two sooner or later.


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